I haven't posted anything new for a while and thought maybe I should explain.
I thought I would plow my way through this nightmare and get on with my life. I was very wrong. I have been hit with the most overwhelming depression. I don't make it through a single day without breaking at some point. The sense of loss and feelings of guilt mixed with the anger at the whole situation have beaten me down and made me much older than I am. Every single day I wake up and there it is. Sorrow. Overwhelming, unrelenting sorrow and guilt.
I often find myself wishing that I had some sort of religious faith. It would be easier if I thought that I would see Mom again, that she could tell me she forgives me. Sometimes I think how great it would be if I knew she and Christopher were having a laugh somewhere but I don't really believe it. My mother is dead and gone and she shouldn't be!
The worst part is knowing that she trusted me to take care of her and I failed. I don't know what else I could have done, but I can't stop feeling that I should have done something more. Now I live in the land of could've, should've, would've. I could have gotten her out of Jefferson Hospital sooner. I should have made her move when the signs were so bad. I would've moved mountains if I had known what was coming.
So I sit here and cry again. It's 5:30 in the morning and I am taking another antidepressant just to try and make it through the day.
Too little, too late.
V
awww sis. I just saw this. 6 months later...i'm so sorry that you were going through this. i hope it is a little bit easier by now. although, i share a lot of how you feel and know that it really hasn't faded much. i love you. she would forgive you if there was anything to forgive. which there isn't. things are different now for sure. she certainly was a force in our family. and still is. i just never really believed she wouldn't win. i think that's the hardest to accept. mom ALWAYS triumphed. ALWAYS. even if she didn't technically...to talk to her it was a triumph. so to see her not be strong enough for something is just still incomprehensible.
ReplyDeleteShe loves you..she always has..This whole mess just can't be explained. i guess some things just don't make sense no matter what.