I haven't posted anything new for a while and thought maybe I should explain.
I thought I would plow my way through this nightmare and get on with my life. I was very wrong. I have been hit with the most overwhelming depression. I don't make it through a single day without breaking at some point. The sense of loss and feelings of guilt mixed with the anger at the whole situation have beaten me down and made me much older than I am. Every single day I wake up and there it is. Sorrow. Overwhelming, unrelenting sorrow and guilt.
I often find myself wishing that I had some sort of religious faith. It would be easier if I thought that I would see Mom again, that she could tell me she forgives me. Sometimes I think how great it would be if I knew she and Christopher were having a laugh somewhere but I don't really believe it. My mother is dead and gone and she shouldn't be!
The worst part is knowing that she trusted me to take care of her and I failed. I don't know what else I could have done, but I can't stop feeling that I should have done something more. Now I live in the land of could've, should've, would've. I could have gotten her out of Jefferson Hospital sooner. I should have made her move when the signs were so bad. I would've moved mountains if I had known what was coming.
So I sit here and cry again. It's 5:30 in the morning and I am taking another antidepressant just to try and make it through the day.
Too little, too late.
V
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
A few More from Meghan
Mom (middle right)
A few pictures from Meghan
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
My letter to Aunt Pam
My Dearest Auntie Pam,
I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to write to you. I have no real excuse other than to say that my heart had been torn open, and it is starting to heal just a bit now. I hope you are well, and being well cared for. You are the last true jewel of the family and should be treated as such!
I have sent copies of all the things from Mum's memorial service. I'm sorry that you were unable to come, but we all felt you there. It gave us some comfort knowing that even half a world away you were there for us. Our family may bend, but we cannot be broken no matter how far apart we may be.
Mum's service was as she requested. Don Marsten spoke of her quite lovingly and eloquently, and then read a short synopsis of her life that she had prepared at some point and left where I would find it. I have included a copy of both of these with the other things from her service. The family all wore red, white and blue ribbons out of respect for Mum. I have included one of these as well. She was a true patriot, and she instilled that love of America in all of us. Her casket was beautiful. It was white with bronze accents, and beautiful pink English Roses on the corners and one on the inside center of the lid. It had lovely soft pink velvet lining. I think Mum would have approved.
I want to share with you something that Meghan wrote about Mum. It's just a short piece, but I think it describes Mum very well.
My mom wasn't the touchy feely kind.
Well, she could be, but wasn't always.
Mom told you how it is.
Had no patience for ignorance.
Knew how things should be and made them that way.
Took care of herself.
Didn't believe in excuses.
Was beautiful.
Demanded respect.
She was strong.
She knew who she was.
She was strong.
She knew who she was.
I think that really captures the essence of Mum. I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. I still want to call her on the telephone and tell her about my day, or tell her some funny thing Lauren said. I still cry every day at the wrongness of the whole thing. I allow myself my few moments of grief, and then I straighten my shoulders, take a deep breath and move forward as Mum would have expected me to. I couldn't have asked for a better Mother. She was an excellent teacher. Day by day and step by step, no matter the circumstance, she led us and taught us by example. I hope she was as proud of us as we were of her. Because of her I am an intelligent, strong, confident, compassionate and loving human being. It gives me a wonderful sense of pride when I say “ I am Enid's daughter”.
Love always,
Vanessa
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Pictures coming
I am taking a bunch of pictures to Walgreens this weekend to have them put on a disk since my scanner is dead.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
scanner issues
Well now that I have LOTS of pictures that I want to add my scanner has stopped working! I guess I'll take pictures to Walgreen's and have them put on disk so that I can upload that way.
I also have some Genealogy stuff that I need to have put on disk. I don't know how to do that yet. Be patient with me. I'll get it figured out.
I love every single one of you!
V
I also have some Genealogy stuff that I need to have put on disk. I don't know how to do that yet. Be patient with me. I'll get it figured out.
I love every single one of you!
V
Sunday, April 10, 2011
A Poem by W.E. Keay
I found this poem tucked away with a few of Mom's Immigration things. I have to share it with you. I tried scanning it and copying the link but I couldn't get that to work properly.
Just a thought about my son Christopher (1958)
"Childish Mischief"
He is always up to mischief
So he makes me endless toil.
As fast as I have tidied
He will litter, spill and spoil.
He can't help but open every
Cupboard that he's passed.
He is healthy and he is growing
And his little brain works fast.
Spotless clothes mean nothing
When a puddle promises fun.
No wonder that I grumble
That my work is never done.
That my work is never done.
But now that he is listless
And his rosy cheeks are white
A childish ill has robbed him
Of his healthy appetite.
I wonder why I thought his
Boundless energy a strain.
He can tear the house to pieces
If he'll just get well again.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Forever in my heart
Mom and Christopher had their own special mutual admiration society.
She was his light and he was her star. It was wonderful to see such love and respect.
"The Best"
God saw you getting tired
And a cure was not to be,
So he put his arms around you
And whispered, "Come with me."
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer
And saw you fade away.
Although we couldn't bear to lose you,
We could not ask you to stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hardworking hands laid to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.
Matriarch
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| Mom with the small people. She was so awesome with children! |
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Love set me free!
Vanessa and Noel
Touched by an Angel
We, unaccustomed to courageexiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.
Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.
We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
Maya Angelou
Why a blog?
It's been a few weeks since Mom died. I've been spending lots of time cleaning out her house and going through LOTS of old stuff. I've found so many wonderful picture that I thought I should share them. Some are old and some are not so old but all are history.
I linked this blog to facebook but don't worry, only family members cab see the link!
I linked this blog to facebook but don't worry, only family members cab see the link!
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